The Twilight Zone (Memory Access Violation)

Ever wondered what might have been going through granddad's mind when he was losing it? I thought this was something one never really got to experience since if you were losing your mind, would you know that you were indeed losing your mind? This Wednesday I was rushed off to hospital again in my second Ambulance trip (aren't I lucky?) after entering this very strange world.

I would be very dishonest if I was to start recollecting the events of the day as in truth, I cannot remember much of what happened. My memories are slowly coming back and if I'm lucky I'll get them all back one day. According to my family, who had joined me downtown for lunch and then a trip to see Dr. Bonomi (my oncologist), I began to act strange after waking up on the evening train home. Apparently I didn't know where I was or what had happened during the day. Repeating myself every five minutes and getting lost on the way home from the station alerted them to the fact that I wasn't quite playing with a full deck and that something really strange was up. At some point, my mom took over the driving and after calls to home and the doctor's, Inna called 911 so that by the time we arrived home, the ambulance, fire engine and cops were waiting. After arriving home and establishing that I too had forgotten our Anniversary (which I alone remembered the day before) the family decided to whisk me off to the emergency room. We drove off to Northwest Community, but after contacting Dr. Bonomi decided to go to Rush Medical (in downtown Chicago). As my family didn't know the way we opted instead to let the emergency services do what they do best, arriving back home just as they got there. As they operate locally, they would not take me to Rush. So off we toddled, back to Northwest Community Hospital - a place that is starting to feel more and more like home.

When they tell me the stories of how I was behaving and how I kept repeating myself over and over and over and over and over and over again, I cannot help but be amused. Yet at the time, I apparently knew I was losing my mind and in frustration, kept trying to remember things, but just couldn't. It wasn't just that I couldn't remember the events of the day - I couldn't remember how to get home from the station. I couldn't remember when my family arrived from England. I couldn't remember what we had gotten up to over the course of the last week. I knew who I was, who Inna was, that I had a little baby Daniel and the events of the past, but there was a great deal of recent history that I had lost. The paramedics were quite sure that my brother and I had got our hands on some narcotics and kept pushing him to divulge what we had taken.

An evening in ER and two nights in the hospital and where do we stand? The doctor's ran all sorts of tests. An EEG, EKG, CAT Scan, Echo cardiogram and an MRI later and well, I look pretty normal. On Wednesday, while seeing Dr. Bonomi, I had my mediport cleared and one theory (and it's only a theory) is that a blood clot or debris in the port was flushed into my body and this might have gotten lodged in my brain long enough to cause transient global amnesia or as they say, "a moment of confusion." This is the theory that I'm going to latch onto as the alternatives aren't that appealing. Things like mini-strokes sound way to ominous for somebody my age.

The great thing is that a lot of what I had forgotten over the last two weeks is coming back. A lot of it is out of context though and so the memories seem like shadows (the best way I can think to describe them). Bits and pieces of Wednesday are also there. Like getting donuts for the guys at work, the very dark thunderstorm, my brother kicking his leg against the chair in front of him during a sleep spasm. Will it all come back? We'll have to wait and see.

For now though, I recuperate at home under strict instructions not to drive for a week. A followup EEG might shed some light on the matter.

I'll keep you posted ... if I can remember to do so :)